A cow-orker sent this to me today. I thought it was too funny to not share with all 3 of my overwhelmingly brillaint readers and both my inept social outcast readers, as well. For the 2 inept readers, make sure to click the “More” link below to finish the joke. It’s even less funny if you stop after 2 paragraphs. 🙂
I remember my excitement the first time I saw a restroom faucet with a motion detector. It was like magic. I just waved my hand in front of the sensor and water spat forth. It was like the food replicator on the Star Ship Enterprise, but Version 1.0 that only produces cooty water.
Eventually the soap dispenser caught up. That was less exciting for two reasons: 1) It was just copying the water faucet, and 2) It is exactly how I imagine it would feel if a bird pooped on my hand.
Lately, some paper towel dispensers have joined the action. Activate the sensor and a paper towel presents itself. Scientists have obviously spent a lot of time calculating the proper dimensions for this towel. It’s precisely the size that is too small to be satisfying and yet large enough that you won’t rip the dispenser off the wall, smash it in the sink and grab a big wad of towels from its stinkin’ guts. But you’re tempted.
I love all of these motion sensor devices despite the fact that I live my life in a partial Sixth Sense way, i.e. barely registering as alive. For example, I often have conversations with people who don’t know I’m even talking to them. I am usually not aware of this until they get distracted by a bright light or noise and wander away. Motion sensors give me the same problem. I generally have to solicit two or three sinks before I find a faucet that will acknowledge me. It takes two or three more sinks to find a soap dispenser that is willing to poop on my hand. If the paper towel dispenser has a motion sensor, I know I’m in for a long day.
I’m anxiously awaiting the next innovation in restroom automation. I assume developers are already working on the last mile: A robotic arm to unzip my pants, grab my unit, then do the holding, shaking, and repackaging. I’m too busy to do that stuff for myself. Plus I was already spoiled by the time they automated the paper towel dispenser.
The Autopee device (it needs a name) would be problematic because every guy is built different. Somehow it would need to know the dimensions of what’s behind your zipper so it didn’t accidentally neuter you. I suppose the best way to do that is to have some sort of voice recognition software that asks you what kind of car you drive. If it’s a Porsche, for example, you might be compensating. If it’s a Honda minivan, you’re probably sporting an anaconda.
You’d also have to tell the Autopee how much shaking you want, ranging anywhere from two quick flicks to a happy ending.
Good luck getting that image out of your head.
[tags]Restroom automation, Bathroom humor[/tags]