Depression mostly. My home life continues to spiral downward.
My wife has been mad at me for more than a day, but when I try to find out why, I get “I don’t want to talk about it” or “Now is not a good time to get into it” or similar. No matter what I do around the house, I get accused in same manner of not doing anything or of not doing enough. My job absolutely sucks rocks, and I’ve tried off and on to find a new job for 2 years and change, but my A.D.D. combined with the depressing home life makes it difficult to keep focused and driven on job hunting for more than a few weeks at a time. I rarely get to see my children because of my work schedule (evenings – 3:00 PM to 11:30 PM – after over 2 years of being promised that I’d get moved to a different shift), and when I do see them, I’m having more and more trouble keeping my temper under control. I can’t seem to get them to listen, and my wife typically helps by telling me what I’m doing wrong, which just gets me more angry. It’s not that I do anything to hurt them when I lose my temper, but I have yelled at them when I shouldn’t, and I’ve left the room they are in or even left the house and left them with my wife while I went away to calm down.
I fear losing my children constantly, as I’m sure either my wife will leave me soon or I will reach the limit of crap I can put up with from her and leave her. She might even be having an affair, at least according to a number of cow-orkers I’ve talked to about her, although that doesn’t fit her personality so I’m doubtful that is the issue. In any case, living in Tennessee means there is almost a 100% chance of the courts giving custody to her if we separate for any reason. It won’t even matter that I’m almost always the one to take them to school and the one who spends the most time with the kids when I’m not at work. I have no friends near where I live, and little time to make new friends. Even if I had time and was enough of a people person to work on that, my work schedule again conflicts with most of the rest of the world.
I can’t access my own site from work, which is when I have the most spare time to work on the site. Yes, I know I shouldn’t even be working on the site from work, but I typically have 0.5 to 2 hours of work a night, and I get tired of reading and studying. This means when I post I have to do so via an e-mail posting system on my server. If there is a problem with the post, I can’t see it nor fix it until I get home after midnight. It also means I have to manually do all the HTML formatting codes, which isn’t difficult but is tedious. So the extra tedium and annoyance factors involved in posting make me less likely to crank out articles than I like. Also, I’m trying to work on some other sites I want to get going. These others should be low maintenance, but things never seem to work out that way.
All in all, I bet you’re sorry you bothered reading my pathetic whine, now, aren’t you? Hopefully, my spirits will pick up soon and I’ll get back to 5-10 articles and links a day.
[tags]Why I’m posting less for now[/tags]